So much has changed...

So it has been such a long time since I have written but with good reason....WE MOVED!! We are now stationed at Eglin AFB, Florida! We wanted to buy a house when we got here but this is not the area in which we want to settle down in so we are living in a cute two bedroom house on base! So between the organizing, packing, moving half way around the world(AGAIN) unpacking, painting, reorganizing it has been a busy 9 months! But we are finally settled and getting to know this place.

So I know alot of you don't know but I have been having some health issues for a little over  a year now. I was first diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome a year ago due to stomach issues and abdominal pain so after seeing 4 doctors and an ER visit (got to love military medicine)  I thought that this was the answer to what I had been dealing with....come to find out not so much! So after I was diagnosed I started exercising regularly..changed my diet drastically..was put on medication..things got better but I still wasn't at 100% but not wanting to deal with the doctors at Kadena and with the move coming up I sucked it up and kept moving forward. So fast forward to when we get here to Florida...I started feeling really bad again and went into the ER and they diagnosed me with a really bad IBS flare up..gave me meds and sent me home....went back 2 weeks to the day...was admitted for appendicitis. SO after I went home I called and made an appointment with my Primary Care doctor.
So last week I went to my appointment and I was telling him everything that I have dealt with and that I have had pain everyday for the past year and that I don't think its IBS. I told him I want to figure this out because we have planned to have another baby. This is something we have wanted for awhile!
 So after talking with him for an hour and a half he gave me an honest answer....

He doesn't think I have IBS and is running some more tests to figure it all out and then told me something I didn't want to hear...
 He diagnosed me with depression again......all I could do was cry....He said that with everything I have been dealing with this year that I slipped down that hole again...so he advised that I go on an anti-depressant for a year which means NO BABY for right now...too many risks!  I cried all the way home blaming myself for letting it happen again. Why does this awful condition follow me everywhere? Why didn't I see the signs? I want another child so bad and now I have to wait another year? I felt awful as I told my husband what the doctor had said and as he embraced me and told me it was going to be OK I felt hope that I could get through this. For the rest of the day I cried and tried to reason with myself that it wasn't my fault. The doctor said this is hereditary and that I might have to deal with this again at a later time which doesn't exactly excite me! Now I know that this may not be a big deal to some but for someone to tell me that I can't have something because of me makes me feel awful! Depression is a serious condition and without the proper treatment is hard to deal with. Now I am not nearly as bad as I was before.. I can see why the doctor diagnosed me....My body needs to rest and get right so I feel like myself again....I would rather be at 100% than at 50%! So this past week I have come to terms that I just need to accept this and move on....Everything happens for  a reason.. We can try for a baby in a year.

I am looking forward to the new year to get better. I will take what I learned last time and just push forward. God has a plan for me and when he thinks we are ready we will have another child. I am grateful for my family and all of my dear friends and the support they give me! I'll just keep moving forward....

Standing among the Silent Ranks...

Having a conversation with a newly found friend about being a military wife got me thinking about the past 6 years being married to my Air Force husband. What an honor it has been for me to stand next to my husband and support him in protecting our freedoms. I feel so blessed and grateful for the opportunities I have been given and experienced while being with him. I could not imagine my life any way!

So being a newly married military spouse I found it diffucult to adjust as many do. Our husbands endure long work hours, unexpected departures and long TDY's and deployments and we just take it and deal with it. It took me a little bit but I found my niche and did my wife duties as best I could. We found a great group of friends there(there being Holloman AFB, New Mexico), many of whom we still keep in contact with. SO when we got orders to come here to Okinawa I was sad to leave our friends and family and end that chapter of our life but excited to start a new one! So we get here and get settled in and suddenly I felt sad and alone. My husband tried to help me and comfort me but he just didn't understand. I fell into a deep deep hole and didn't know how to pull myself out. Because of my sadness we started having more and more arguments and finally my husband said enough. We started counseling for us, I went for myself and I was put on an anti-depressant. As I think back to that time it brings me to tears because I had never experienced that before and I never want to again. I thought that it would be like it was at our last base and people would embrace us but it was the opposite. The women were judgmental and cruel. I couldn't find anyone that could relate to what I was going through.  I lost a part of myself and became very insecure. I am ashamed that I let them get to me..I should have been stronger! My husband was the only one who knew what I was going through, I didn't even tell my family because I knew they wouldn't understand.

The reason I am telling my story because I hope that others out there know they are not alone. It is very hard to be in a new place and not know anyone. Three years later and I am just now starting to find myself again. I have surrounded myself with a few amazing fellow military spouses and they really bless my life everyday. Being a military wife has brought so much more to my life and I would never give up this lifestyle. I have learned to keep my head up and push along. I feel honored to stand next to my Airman!

When God Created the Military Wife

When the Lord was creating a military wife He ran into His sixth day of overtime. An angel appeared and said, "You're having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"

The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? It has to be completely independent but must always be sponsored to get on a military installation. It must have the qualities of both mother and father during deployments, be a perfect host to 4 or 40, handle emergencies without an instruction manual, cope with flu and moves all around the world, have a kiss that cures anything from a child's bruised knee to a husband's weary days, have the patience of a saint when waiting for its mate to come home and, have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands? No way." The Lord answered, "Don't worry; we will make other military wives to help. Besides, it's not the hands that are causing the problem, it's the heart. It must swell with pride, sustain the ache of numerous separations while remaining true, beat soundly even when it feels too tired to do so, be large enough to say 'I understand' when it doesn't, and say 'I love you', regardless.

"Lord," said the angel, gently touching His sleeve. "Go to bed. You can finish it tomorrow." "I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something quite unique. Already it can heal itself when sick, on a moment’s notice it will willingly embrace and feed total strangers who have been stranded during a PCS move and it can wave goodbye to its husband understanding why he had to leave."

The angel circled the model of the military wife very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

"But tough," the Lord said excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this being can do or endure."

"Can it think?" asked the angel. "Can it think?! It can convert 1400 to 2 p.m.," replied the Lord.

Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she said. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model." It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear." "What's it for?" asked the angel. "It's for joy, sadness, pain, loneliness and pride." "You're a genius," said the angel.

Looking at her somberly, the Lord replied, "I didn't put it there."

The not so skinny girl...

Before I get started I am going to start a 30 day photo challenge. So before every blog I will be showing a new photo challenge!

Day 1: A picture of yourself with five facts:

1:I love to run!
2:I am afraid of balloons...absolutely hate them!
3:I live in Japan!
4:I have been married for 6 years!
5:I love to read!

"If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end."

I have always known that I will never be a skinny woman. I have come to terms with this fact. My husband says he married me for my curves, yah whatever!  Now it has been 18 months since I had my baby and I am still not down to what I was before I got pregnant, but I have come to terms with this too. I know my body will never be the same.
 Weight was always an issue when I was growing up, maybe that was because my mom was a personal trainer. I always felt like I was the chunky girl and I was never comfortable with my body until I graduated highschool and had time to really focus on healthy eating habits and everyday workouts. My weight has fluxuated over the years but I have always seemed to start running and I lose it all. However this time has been so different.
My husband always tells me how good I look but I don't ever see that. Even at 27 I am so insecure about the way I look..and the funny thing is that when I look back on when I was teenager I was so SKINNY compared to what I am now. It is amazing how you see yourself when you look in the mirror.
SO on my new journey I am learning that I need to let go of my insecurites. I have joined weight watchers and exercise daily not necessarily for weight loss(thats always a plus) but just so I can be healthy for myself and more importantly for my wonderful husband and beautiful daughter!
My ultimate goal is to be comfortable in my skin...I need to learn to be comfortable in what I was given!

What have I done for myself lately?

As I sit back and think on the last 6 years of my life I can't help but be grateful and feel so blessed for so many things. An amazing husband who is everything I wanted and more in a man. A beautiful daughter who loves me unconditionally and makes me smile everyday. Supportive parents and siblings. An oppurtunity to live on a beautiful island. Being financially stable. So what is missing? At first glance...it would seem nothing.

So lately I have been trying to figure out what things are missing in this whole equation of life. ME! Amongst all the dinners, house cleaning, changing diapers and toddler talk I have forgotten me. I can't remember the last time I had ME time. How can I be a better wife or mother if I haven't taken care of myself? I worry about everything and everyone else but myself.

And GOD! I have left him out of my life for so long that I have forgotten what it is like. How can I be a better wife or mother if I don't have a relationship with GOD? It's not that I don't believe I just haven't practiced any kind of religion for a long time. What kind of example am I for my daughter?

As I ponder these two issues, I have some major changes to make. I need to make myself better physically, mentally and spiritually. I would like to share my thoughts on my journey to a better me. Aswell as dealing with everyday issues as a mother and wife! I hope others out there can relate to what I am going thru.

There are so many instances where I think how lucky I am to have the life I do. My goal is to build on that happiness and to become someone better! My family is my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I want to be a better me for them!